seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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