youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
