I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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