what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
