my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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