there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Sorry about my life...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
