He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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