Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
