Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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