that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
