It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
