If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
