need another drink. this is the easiest way
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
