I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
