How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
