So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Barsexuality is the new black.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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