im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
