I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
