After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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