I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
