Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someone shattered a urinal.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
