I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
