life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
