Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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