I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
