I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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