I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
