Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
