Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
