Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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