Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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