Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
