i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woke up backwards on a recliner
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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