i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
