I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
