finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
