Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
