a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
