Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
