I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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