Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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