HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
