Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
