We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
