I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
