walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
