I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I forget how to act sober
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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