Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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