when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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