I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
