Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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