my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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