guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
