can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
